Will you be my home?

Amid the beautiful emotions of writing, the impatient heart releases such a happy vibe inside out to find a way to bloom like a morning flower. This sweet fragrance feels as if I have been resting on your lap and you feathering my hair - kissing my desperate forehead with the most beautiful lips. So satisfying! So perfectly home, just so very right inside. Your shawl covering my face and shielding from the disturbance of life and light, wrapping me with peace and adore to nap with arms around you and soul submitting you. Even the imagination turns my palpitations and irritated mood to where I smile big. I do not need my anti-depressant capsules it feels. I won't.  Just hold on, please? 

Dear one, 

You know, adventurous yet shy it feels, cuddling this teddy tight and find a way as if you are holding onto me. The teddy is going no where as it is my new best friend I wish good morning to - 'Good morning, Jorawar!' and goes a kiss on his thick nose. Insane right? But I would like that anyways. Jorawar doesn't kiss me back but you do that okay? That everyday good morning kiss!

I won't say that I am going through a lot and it is taking an extra push from every cell of my body, tons of will and enough of self support to function everyday, I will stand strong everywhere anyways. Life ain't easy butt then I have this faith that I can do so much, I have this super saturated- not giving up ready - a great masala tea hot belief that I can do anything I want. I will do whatever I want, result might not be in my favor but that doesn't mean I cannot try. Right? So yes, I will surely give it a life and death situation shot with cent percent to anything I do. Broken but not lost, right? Agree, no? 

There was once this beautiful girl in my life I used to call Meethi. She was amazing and I poured all the love and life I had within but then with destiny,  faded love and priorities for her and things went toxic. There is this incident I want to share with you which has been coming like a flash back time and again. More than that incident, her response to it has been affecting me severely. It is torturous like a pin pinching my heart every time the mind remembers.

My dad was charged with false allegations and trapped into wrong charges of corruption, he was taken in custody for 34 days. I was his only support system and some how, I was also taken in custody for a day. Inside the Jail, with people charged with theft, robbery, murder, rape and what not. I was in a room with 29 others and the moment was so terrifying. I kept on crying the entire day. It just did not feel life anymore. If someone asks me, whats your darkest day, there would be a lot but this would always be it. After I got out of the lock up that evening, my sister and her boy friend picked me up. I was smiling and smiling even after getting back home. It was all I could do to let everyone know that nothing happened. I cried, I cried in front of Meethi, she did not do much or was emotionally on the same page as mine. Rather, she boasted about her vacation and sent me photos, how amazing her life was yesterday. I could not take it anymore and reached up to a point where I had to bash her on not loving me enough and being very self-obsessed. My mental space was destroyed and yes I admit I shouted on her in the worst way. I didn't feel loved from the only person I chose to break down, cry my heart out. I felt as if my situation did not bother her. We did not talk for couple of days, but I loved her so much that I needed to talk to her. I apologized in all the possible way I could. You know dear one, all these incident does not come in remembrance as much as her reply she did now. Her words! After my apology, she was casually like, "Okay, I forgive you. Fine, he was in jail, he must be facing bad situation. His family is having tough times" (La, thik cha ni ta, jail ga ko raicha, ghar ma situation naramro cha, tei ma bhaneko hola. hos aba jana diney) 

These words of her kill me till date. I considered her family as mine, her problems as mine and was ever ready to do anything for her. I wanted her to console me, not look me as a stranger with problems or issues. Not give me sympathetic considerations but help me get through it with the love I had for her. I needed her but I was wounded the worse. Gosh, the panic attacks again! We get wounded deep by those whom we love the deepest. 

Dear one, 

I am not perfect, I still have a lot of things to learn and big changes to adapt to. I will be mad over you but then again I will come to save the day with my stupid apologies. Your stress will be my stress and your issues will be mine to sort out to. I will surely be insecure while you not being in safe environment but then again, I will never sack your personal space. You will always be my home. I will battle the whole world the entire day but at the end, I will need you to rest with me, your gestures and acts of affection to recharge my stress level and fight the next day out. 

Let's do it one day at a time and grow out of each others imperfections. Shall we? 

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